It’s understandable that sex is not top of your list of priorities after the baby arrives – but what about weeks, months or even years later?
In the search for real connection and real happiness in this cycle of our life, connection with our partners must be a part of the conversation – but so often, it’s not.
We know we want that old intimacy back, and we know that to be a whole woman, we need this part of our life to be OK again too, but how?
How do we connect again after broken sleep, broken bodies, and broken moments?
Passion and fulfilment as a woman must be a part of the Happy Mama conversation, which is why we’re so excited to announce Isiah McKimmie is our new regular contributor on all things sex and partnership. Isiah knows what it’s like to feel disconnected from your body and sensuality, and is therefore the best person to share insights into coming back to your passionate self again.
13 years ago, as a shy girl from the country, Isiah walked into a Tantra Yoga workshop. Although she’s not even sure if she knew what Tantra was before that moment, it changed her life forever.
Before discovering Tantra, Isiah never felt comfortable in her own skin, she attracted unhealthy relationships and felt shy about sex. Tantra gave her confidence in herself, taught her to love her body, connected her to her sensuality and helped her attract more loving, intimate relationships.
Isiah realised she could help other people live happier lives through enjoyable sex and loving relationships – and her passion was born.
Since then she’s traveled the world, running workshops, working with clients, running online courses and seeking the best training to support her clients. She’s now a Relationship Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Coach – and our Happy Mama resident expert!
Here, Isiah shares her first insights into how we can start to reclaim this lost part of our lives.
“We feel so disconnected lately.”
“I’m just never in the mood anymore… How can we get that spark back?”
If this sounds familiar Mama, don’t despair. It’s normal for desire to change after children.
You’re probably exhausted and overwhelmed.
You and your partner can be like ships passing in the night.
Privacy is non-existent.
Your body has changed too. You might be feeling self-conscious and worried your partner will judge those changes. And there are changes below the surface too – hormonal changes that lower your sex drive.
And what about all the demands on you: there’s the never ending chores, someone who always wants attention, people constantly touching your body…
It’s normal for sex to be the last thing on your mind.
It’s normal to wonder how or if you’ll ever feel that passion and desire again. It’s understandable to feel like you may never want to.
You want to connect to yourself again too.
I want you to know it’s possible.
Here are my top 3 tips to reconnect and rekindle intimacy:
- Decide intimacy is important to you
It’s too easy to fall into the trap of seeing sex as something else you have to ‘do’, and honestly, it might feel like a chore. Try to shift your mindset. Sex is a beautiful, nourishing part of your relationship, and it can be so beneficial to you and ultimately your family. Making sex a priority might mean you sometimes go to bed without the dishes being done, or without emails being replied to. That’s ok. In fact, research shows that people who had sex the night before are actually more productive at work the next day. You’ve probably also experienced how the energy between you and your partner when you’re being intimate flows into your whole family, making everything a little lighter and brighter.
- Build connection outside of the bedroom
Connection and intimacy outside the bedroom flow into intimacy inside the bedroom. Feeling close and connected to your partner helps build desire.Date nights and weekends away might be out of the question, but take small moments where you can.– Connect and give each other your full attention each day – even if it’s just for 10 minutes. Talk about how your day was, check in with each other as people, not just on logistics or as parents.– Enjoy date night at home once a week where you turn off the TV early and just spend time together.– Make a point of sharing at least one thing that you appreciate about your partner with them each day.
- Don’t put pressure on yourself, Mama.
Regaining intimacy and desire takes time. Be gentle on yourself and begin with small steps. You and your partner have been through a huge change, and it’s OK that it’s taking some time to come back together again. Start with physical intimacy that might not lead to sex. Being physically intimate through touch, hugs, and kisses helps build desire. If you’re not ready to take this step, talk to your partner about how you feel, your hopes for the future and why your current needs may have changed. Let him know that you do still love him and this is something you’re working on. Sharing where you both are and how you’re both feeling is key to feeling connected even if the physical side is not quiet there yet.
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist and Sexologist who has been helping couples reconnect and reignite intimacy for over 7 years. She is currently offering a free ebook to Happy Mama readers: How to Rediscover your Spark and Reignite Desire.