After proclaiming to be all about self-care for mamas, how I learnt to finally live my truth everyday.
I know what my values are.
On paper, and in the many and varied journal exercises and coaching sessions I’ve done over the years, I can be very clear about what’s most important to me.
Health, Family, Freedom, Connection.
Travel, the freedom to spend time with my family without worry of time or money, and to feel strong enough within myself to be fully energised and present: that’s pretty much it.
When I go further down the list, there’s my work and the deep sense of gratitude and satisfaction I get from sharing it with the world, but right at the top of that list of my priorities in life is my family and my happiness.
But then, I would think of my emails as soon as I woke.
I would worry about the next bill as I’m getting the kids dressed in the morning.
I’d snap at them when they’re making a mess after school, even though I chose this work so I could be with them every afternoon after school.
I’d stay up late to meet a deadline I shouldn’t have said yes to in the first place, and I’d get grumpy at my husband because I was so overwhelmed that every little thing he did would be like nails on a blackboard.
My values didn’t match my actions.
I would say that I was 100% focused on getting my health back on track, but then I’d have another glass of wine. I would skip yoga, I would skip lunch. And then, I’d be in tears in the car on the way home from the doctors, having been being told I had to adjust my thyroid medication again.
My actions didn’t match my intentions.
A recent mama client said to me she wanted to be ‘self-integral’, and it took my breath away.
Yes, I thought.
That’s what it’s called.
That’s what I’ve been trying to find.
Self-integrity. That feeling of knowing that you’re trying your best, you’re showing up as best you can, you’re actually doing what you say you’ll do.
That was what was missing for so very long.
I said all the right things and was making all the right noises, but deep down and behind closed doors, I wasn’t aligned with who I wanted to be at all. I was writing about self-care for mamas and the importance of balance, and I was burnt out beyond comprehension. So exhausted, there are years (yes, years) of my life I felt like I was living in a fog.
Do what I say I’m going to do. It doesn’t have to be perfect. In fact, perfection is precisely the wrong point. It’s about knowing in your heart you didn’t skip out on yourself. You didn’t sell yourself short. You said you’d focus on being present today, giving yourself nourishing food, and looking your husband in the eye tonight, and so you did. To the best of your ability.
The big grand plans don’t come into play here. It’s a step by step, day by day, minute by minute thing:
What is the next best thing I can do today, to be aligned with who I want to be?